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About

This weblog contains the life ::, rants ##, poems "" and scribblings *) of Nivelan.

:: Belated exams Friday, July 21, 2000 |

I had an afternoon shift at the Philips, but cancelled it, because today I needed to do my VWO exams. I want to get into University and study Dutch Language, but my HAVO secondary school diploma won't do to get accepted VWO is one level higher. So it's a pity I fucked it all up.. After I finished secondary school in 1997, a full time VWO course went totally wrong. Well, lots of things did. My parents were quite suddenly divorced, I got acquainted with the internet, I spent days at school chatting to people, I skipped important tests to be able to browse the net, and I failed all my exams. This year I thought I'd do it differently. So I have a job. Whatever I need to study I can do on my own, without going to college. Well, like I said I fucked it all up, today was no different.

First I got my German exam: a test on the literature I had to read. Except I hadn't read any books. I came hugely late, but the teacher made an exception and tested me an hour later.. To no avail, though. Philosophy was next. I bullshitted a lot, but couldn't quote anyone or explain my theories with the help of wiser men who came before me, so I must have failed that one as well. Still, having lunch after this exam was nice – I read a paper and that's always good education. Thirdly another test on the books I had read for my Dutch exam. Again, I hadn't read any, and I decided to say so upfront, rather than pretend like I had earlier. It was a nice day overall, in Zwolle. But I don’t really think any good will have come of it.

:: Soaked in 60 seconds Thursday, July 20, 2000 |

My older sister Elf and I decided to visit the cinema in town, to see Nick Cage in 'Gone in 60 Seconds'. It was a beautiful evening. Warm, sunny. So she jumped on the back of my bicycle and neither of us brought a coat. It takes about 15 minutes to get to the centre of town, park a bike and get into the cinema. We spent at least ten of those getting thoroughly soaked. As we were drying up in the cinema, we watched Nick Cage steal Porsches through the fog we created. And then we went back home, getting soaked worse, as it hadn't stopped raining. It was her birthday. It was great.

:: meeting dad again Friday, July 07, 2000 |

So it's been three years since my parents divorced, two years since I decided I'd rather not see my father again anywhere in the next five years.. But I met him today. I'm a flexible guy maybe, even when I feel loathing and suspicion. My sister Elf can't have severed all her ties with him for no reason either, eh. My father and I chatted away rather nicely actually, though I literally got very tired of his presence. As though he drained the energy from me. Of course we talked about his non-relationship with Elf for a bit as well, before he dropped me off at her house. I cycled home from there, stayed up until 2 am and slept through to 8. PM that is! Not healthy.. What's more, I have an early morning shift at Philips Semiconductors on Monday, so I stayed up all night Saturday as well, to be back in bed by Sunday afternoon. Being alive gets weird when everyone's sleeping. Still, the Tour de France is on – something to watch recapped throughout the night.

:: Estee Tuesday, July 04, 2000 |

She's 19 today, Estee. I met her a month ago in London and got really confused as a result. Psychotic almost, I think. Not in the way that I would've harmed her or anyone, but I was so out of touch with myself. As if I hadn't any emotions. Maybe it was all due to love starvation, that I created an object of love and lust from a girl that, if I had met her the normal way, might have simply become a good friend. Neither is now possible with Estee, I think. We still chat on line (it's how we met) and I'm sure we'll call each other up every now and then too. But she'll study at Harvard and I'll not get to America for years and years. It was an unlikely relationship to begin with, but likely to end now. I can't really see why she should remain friends with a guy that can't treat her normally. Well, I don't treat her appallingly either of course, I am as nice as can be, but I am just.. Not there. Perhaps if I would have trusted my instinct and tried to kiss her, back in the hotel room, we would know what to think of each other. I could now have felt like a tosser, or I could have been her lover, but I'm nothing really. And that sucks far more than remaining single.