On mornings I walk miles of pints
through the heart of a kebab wrap
buy a day ticket for the hangover
overground to lush Wythenshawe

I wrote this poem today, and though I continued with it to describe a journey through Manchester to work and back.. The lines that followed were too pretentious and less heart-felt than these. This wee poem does not depict me as an alcoholic, by the way - just a Bank Holiday morning to work, I suppose.

After a knackering Monday and Tuesday, I woke up past noon today. It's my own fault for playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas till late, on working days. It's a frustrating game when you're making progress and completing missions.. But a fantastic game all the same.

Anyway, I'm drifting off topic. Though I did wake up late in the day, I resolved not to let my day off go to waste. Surely all I needed to do was get some brunch while watching BBC News 24, get my shoes on, and get out there.

Though Lottie then came home from the stables, I was determined not to spend the afternoon sitting down, watching more telly - with her typing away on the Richard Maxwell forum as usual. Though it's fun to check her spelling and comment on her grammar, while she tries to collect her thoughts and put them in writing. I'm an evil bugger, but as she's quite addicted to the forum my moral code isn't compromised in the slightest. Heh heh heh. Anyway, I went regardless, and bloody slowly as per usual. It's quick enough to walk to the garage, get change for the bus and get to the stop - but the bus of course always has to pass me by on my way to the stop. And then I have to stand there for a while waiting for the next. I hate waiting at bus stops, standing at the side of the road looking like an airse. In GTA SA, I usually veer my bike or car off the road to thrash bus stops - though in real life I'm too couth. And I don't nick vehicles. Anyway, I'm veering off topic again.

What I really wanted to write about is that, after shopping fruitlessly for some trousers at High & Mighty, Marks & Spencer, Next and River Island, I found 2 for £20 at a ghostly quiet Debenhams - and wrote a new plot for my novel whilst enjoying bottles of Grolsch Premium Weizen at KRO Piccadilly. But having said all in that in short, what's the point in elaborating further? Heh heh heh.

I created something stupid. The reason.. Uhm, I was flicking through Youtube, came across an animated film and wondered if anything similar could easily be created. It cannot. But sometimes it's fun to try anyway.

"alarm clock" "wardrobe" "bedroom door" "bathroom door" "hot water tap" "cold water tap" "cold water tap" "hot water tap" "bathroom door" "bedroom door" "wardrobe" "jeans" "jeans" "jeans" "jeans" (button fly) "shirt" "shirt" "shirt" "shirt" "shirt" "shirt" "bag" "bedroom door" "kitchen cupboard" "bread bin" "plug socket" "toaster" "kettle" "fridge" "fridge" "cutlery drawer" "toaster" "plug socket" "fridge" "fridge" "plug socket" "plug socket" "television" "channel" "remote control" "remote control" "remote control" (let's not check BBCi, that'd look bad on this blog) "television" "plug socket" "plug socket" "cold water tap" "coat" "coat" coat" "door" "patio door".

"wallet" "ATM" "ATM" "ATM" "ATM" "ATM" "ATM" "ATM" "wallet" "door" "bag" "door" "wallet" "wallet" "wallet" "coat" "coat" "coat" "bag" "stop" "bag" "coat" "coat" "coat" "traffic light" "traffic light" "coat" "coat" "coat" "bag" "bag" "stop" "coat" "coat" "coat" "coat" "coat" "coat" "door" "seven" "seven" "vend" "seven" "seven" "vend" "shirt" "power" "power" "control" "alt" "delete" "enter" "shift" "n" "i" "v" "e" "l" "a" "n" "tab" "p" "a" "s" "s" "w" "o" "r" "d" "enter" "control" "alt" "delete" "enter" "seven" "five" "vend" "seven" "five" "vend" "control" "alt" delete" "p" "a" "s" "s" "w" "o" "r" "d" "enter"

And for an IT helpdesk analyst to continue beyond here would be a bit boring.

I'm only a casual or social smoker, but with the current anti-smoking doctrine in politics, press and pubs I sometimes wish I could smoke more. As another frowned upon activity of mine is cycling however, I find it difficult to do my lungs in just because I want to stick it to the man. However, the least I could do is find some properly cool smokers - and remind the health and safety nuts of liberties we used to have in life.

This is Peter Cook, a brilliant comedic mind, in an interview with Michael Parkinson (BBC) in the Seventies. "The funniest man who ever drew breath", according to Stephen Fry.



Next, Jacques Brel, another icon. This is his performance in fast paced "Vesoul" and an interview afterwards, Gauloises included.



Then here is Omar Sharif in a 1982 Egyptian commercial for Gitanes. His friend Peter O'Toole apparently prefers Gauloises.



As far as glamorous women are concerned, this clip shows photos of Marlene Dietrich, as she sings "Smoking the night away". Perhaps some of her pro-smoking opinion came from her experience with Adolf Hitler. The nazis made great forays into anti-tobacco politics, surprisingly similar to what is going on now. Marilyn Monroe, who I think styled herself on her German namesake, also displayed the smoking habit.



There's plenty more cool people puffing away on t'internet, but I shouldn't post too many Youtube clips on here I think. At the end of this, I do not want to say smoking is cool. I also can take offence in smoke-filled work places, pubs and theatres, but I find the current vilification harder to swallow than a puff of nicotine. I am quite sure that, despite the risks they knew they were taking with their health, the aforementioned would have agreed the nicotine nannies are going too far. Think about what civil liberties mean, and whether it is good or bad taking them away from people like these. As well as Albert Einstein, Steve McQueen or Amy Winehouse.

Whenever someone asks about my novel, I can say in short that if they remember Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, my novel is a continuation of these stories through to the Renaissance. It's not the entire story of course, as I wouldn't want to give too much away at this stage. Yet there is little to give away at all if I don't succeed in knitting the story together. My previous attempts at writing a plot encapsulating all this though, make for rather silly re-reading. This morning, whipping my Psion 5mx out on the bus to work, I tried rewriting some of the plot, from the start.

During quiet periods at the office, I thought not to continue writing. At any moment, someone could call about a faulty laptop or error message in Outlook, throwing me off course completely. I did however try to start a bit of on-line research, and despite moronic colleagues trying to engage me in senseless blethering (oh the halcyon days of LAN Quake parties at the IT helpdesk, where have they gone?!) I've made some progress tying ancient religions together at Wikipedia and other sites. My head is spinning, but it's all good, it's just not used to whirring this much ;o)

Lottie and I spent an afternoon shopping and strolling in Bolton town centre. We have a wedding to go to in a few weeks, so we had better buy some decent clothes. I bought some new loafers and socks, she's got a new handbag and shades. After an hour of mooching at TK Maxx ("Please Charlotte, let's go the tills?") we walked back to a bus stop and sat down at Rhode Island Coffee. A flurry of activity picked up at the crossroads just opposite, and we found they were filming "Boy meets Girl" for ITV here. At first I thought it might be a sequel to "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" as Martin Freeman was wearing his pyjamas.. But no. A very ordinary street in Bolton suddenly transformed into a film set though, how very odd. We had an extra frappuccino and watched ITV live. It wasn't quite interesting enough to sit down for hours though - Martin Freeman got off a bus and walked across the road. And then again. And again. Hmm.

We got on a heaving bus 8 back home but got off early at the Vauxhall garage, where Lottie could pick up her car after repairs. We did have to wait for her dad to drive down first though, as he was to pick up the bill. Walking across the garage we came across Riverview Motorcycle Training and had a quick but very interesting chat with an instructor there. The provisional license I received yesterday is burning a hole in my pocket!

Watching "4music" this Friday night I can get quite depressed. I've just listened to some live recordings of Team Waterpolo, a new band from Preston. The guitar riffs are so Kaiser Chiefs, the lyrics are Shed 7 and the tunes are Franz Ferdinand. The latter probably first to blame for the upsurge in guitar-wielding revolutionaries that just aren't revolutionary. The difference that Franz Ferdinand made seven years ago wasn't their being fresh either. In reality, they did the opposite by being a clean cut band, a bit like the early Beatles. The bands that sound like them, such as the Wombats, the Kooks, Kaiser Chiefs and Team Waterpolo, are inspired on this preppy look and pretentious lyrics. Of course, I like some of their tunes.. But I am aching for a pop genius to shake it up.

Unfortunately while Duffy, next on 4Music tonight, could be regarded as a genius, she's no better. Songs like 'Rockferry' and 'Mercy' send shivers down my spine, but I can too easily picture her performing at a club in Blackpool in 1964. She wouldn't blow away Nina Simone (or Amy Winehouse) either. Has music not changed since the Sixties? It certainly sounds more crisp and is more easily available to massive audience, but real innovations in music are hard to come by.

I wonder if, when I was younger, I was lucky to get accustomed to musical genius and innovation in so many musical genres.. Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Therapy? picking up where the Doors left off and revitalising punk rock, Limp Bizkit (whom I loathe) having a go at combining this with hiphop.. Hiphop and rap itself reaching new heights with among others Eminem at his peak, making Grandmaster Flash proud.. Then also Pulp having a look at suited-up Beatles and Pet Shop Boys and very creatively building themselves a reputation of their own. And the Manchester scene with Joy Division, Stone Roses and later Oasis keeping the indie rock alive and kicking, with a bite. Faithless and the Chemical Brothers grabbing the dance scene by the hand and elevating it.. Girls like Alanis Morissette, Ani DiFranco and Heather Nova, each in their own way, taking femrock and shoving it up guy's airses with new gusto.. Perhaps there was too much going on at the time even. Part of me wanted to become ingrained in the 'alternative' scene, dress in a black trench coat and kick purple Dr. Martens at the establishment - but another part of me wanted to shave my head and get high on Portishead and Tricky.

I feel sorry for the bands in the current scene in a way, and sorry for students at university too. Life in your teens and twenties should be about finding your voice and making it fucking heard too. On the other hand though, you can't expect anyone to listen if all you're saying has been said so many times before. I do not know if I would have been equally lyrical about current music if I had been ten years younger - perhaps I am just a cynical bugger - but I do know a musical genius is required to break open a new sound. Not to break open a new excitement about music, as that will always be there, but something truly different.

In the meantime I have to appreciate the new Portishead album "Third". And I do, though despite the rave review let's be honest - it is dated. And it's so sad, so very sad that it is, as we've not moved on really.

The canoeing was cancelled, due to flooding. We still went to near enough to the original site near Kidderminster. However, the plan now was to visit the West Midlands Safari Park. Don't ask me why we didn't visit Chester Zoo instead as it's a lot nearer, or how gazing at animals from a coach constitutes 'team building'. However, I shouldn't complain. It was a fun day, the hours were paid and the food and drink was too.

As I was the only one aboard with a decent camera, I used it a lot. The resulting pictures and video clips have found their way to Youtube and Facebook now. However, my weblog deserves the real deal, the premier event, the one you sit down for. Well, you better have, because the version embedded below is forty minutes in length.. Queen's Day Safari Uncut.