She's 19 today, Estee. I met her a month ago in London and got really confused as a result. Psychotic almost, I think. Not in the way that I would've harmed her or anyone, but I was so out of touch with myself. As if I hadn't any emotions. Maybe it was all due to love starvation, that I created an object of love and lust from a girl that, if I had met her the normal way, might have simply become a good friend. Neither is now possible with Estee, I think. We still chat on line (it's how we met) and I'm sure we'll call each other up every now and then too. But she'll study at Harvard and I'll not get to America for years and years. It was an unlikely relationship to begin with, but likely to end now. I can't really see why she should remain friends with a guy that can't treat her normally. Well, I don't treat her appallingly either of course, I am as nice as can be, but I am just.. Not there. Perhaps if I would have trusted my instinct and tried to kiss her, back in the hotel room, we would know what to think of each other. I could now have felt like a tosser, or I could have been her lover, but I'm nothing really. And that sucks far more than remaining single.